On Teenage Sons

What happened to “because I said so“?

It is a generally agreed upon fact that teenage boys will get the best of you. Now, this is not to say that they take the best out of you, because this is not true. The worst of you generally shows up when they are around, especially as they approach your height, and pass it. What is agreed upon is that children these days do seem to be smarter than their parents. It is important to note the little word in the middle, “seem”. This is important. There are a lot of things children these days can actually do a whole lot better than their parents.

This was not the case when I was growing up.

In the past, children thought, briefly, for a few years, that they knew more than their parents. They were quickly cured of the notion usually by the time they hit their early 20’s. This cure of the misguided malady does not appear to be happening. The notion seems to be staying with children these days. And…..we are letting it happen. 

How did we go so wrong? What are we doing differently than our parents did a generation ago? When was the last time you made a decision regarding your teenage son, any decision, and stuck to it when the child in question opposed you with logic?

     “We are having sandwiches and salad for dinner.”

“But I HATE sandwiches mom.”

     “We are having sandwiches.”

“But I am so hungry, and you know what happens to me when I am hungry. I need to eat so my brain can work. Studies have shown that when children go to bed hungry, they do not do well at school. They are tired. The last time you made sandwiches, I got a D on the test the next day. How will you feel when I do not get into Medical school because you made sandwiches and would not let me eat anything else?”

Silence.

Child goes to the refrigerator and eats what he wants.

Or in another scenario.

     “We are going to see aunt Beatrice this weekend.”

“Can’t. I promised to meet Jim and Ed for a study session.”

     “You and I both know there will not be any studying 
      done.”

“Are you saying you don’t trust me? Are you telling me that I should not keep my promises? What kind of person will I be in the future if I do not learn to keep my promises? You made the decision to visit Aunt Beatrice, and you did not run it by me. I need to know in advance so I can plan my weekends. How will you feel mom if I cannot keep a job in the future because I never learned to keep my promises?”

Silence.

You visit Aunt Beatrice by yourself.

At some point in the recent past, the explosion of information has allowed our children the ability to outwit us. With social media, all kinds of scenarios are available at the touch of a screen. Children are making use of the information to beat us at our own arguments.

“Because I said so” worked like a charm for my parents. Have you tried it with a teenager lately?

“Mom, that is so dictatorial. Recent data shows that children who are not allowed some degree of autonomy end up insecure and indecisive. Do you really want me to end up making poor choices in the future?”

The guilt, not in the present, but future guilt you will be mired with if you make the wrong choice today has been getting the best of us. I was having a great day, thank you very much. How did the discussion of sandwiches for supper end up being about the terrible legacy I might leave on future generations of Tibbses?

A lot has changed, but some things have not. The Bible has evergreen, never aging wisdom that we can use to impart some wisdom and sense into our sons. Raising sons is so interesting for mothers. I mean, with your daughters, you know exactly what they are going through. You have been there. With your sons, especially in their teenage years, a lot of mom’s start flailing.

It is a known fact that boys tend to do better when their dads are an important part of their lives. Studies have shown this, and anecdotal observations in my practice concur. But, mom’s influence is very important in her son’s life. I have noticed that even in good marriages with both parents in the home, if the mom does not actively participate, the sons often do not do as well as they would have.

In the Bender family, there were three sons. Dad would wake up early and make them breakfast before they caught the bus and he went to work. He worked all day as a teacher and then he would get home to get the boys ready for their evening sports activities. He also cooked dinner, and did all the shopping. Mom would greet them at the door with a smile and then sit down to chat while dad did everything. I never did figure out what mom did all day. Dad worked hard, poured his all into those boys, but none of them ended up doing anything near what he had planned for them. Over 20 years, this story has recurred many times in the lives of boys in my practice. I began to pay attention. Involved and engaged moms are very important.

A wise son makes a glad father, but a foolish man despises his mother. Proverbs 15:20.

This verse always sort of miffed me. Why does a wise son not also make a glad mother? Doesn’t a foolish man also despise his father? Is this just another one of those patriarchy things? And then I realized that this verse just states the way things are. We mothers feel deeply the pain of a son who does not do well, who is a fool, by whatever definition. We feel it to our core, and we mourn. We will often try to compensate for him, and try to make the world a softer place for him to land, but this only makes things worse. Dads are so full of it when their sons turn out well. So much pride. We mothers are proud too, but the verse indicates the depth of feeling a mother has when her son is not successful on any of the parameters that young men are measured by.

Boys must listen to their mothers. This cannot be stressed enough. Conversely, mothers must have something to say to their sons. Focus on imparting wisdom. Sons are to revere their mothers, always. Whereas it is not a condition of reverence from your son, this is also a call to mothers to be worthy of that name as far as it depends on you.

Many years ago, we were on a family outing and met up with several families we knew. One young man loudly and obnoxiously gave his mother a “dressing down” for asking him to stay close and help her with younger siblings. It was horrible. We all found something important to do in our handbags, or on the floor. Anything but having to focus on this tableau. I felt sorry and irritated at the same time. Not long after, I was so gratified to hear his girlfriend tell him that they were done. “Anyone who treats their mother like that is not worth my time!” It was beautiful! Message this to your daughters too, if a young man does not have a good relationship with his mother, dig deeper. Worry about this. It might be a harbinger of problems to come. I have often pointed out disrespectful behavior like this in my office. When I tell a young man that girls will look at their relationship with their mother to gauge their character, many a young man has sobered up. The good news is that this kind of oppositional behavior towards parents is often transient. Many young people just need a reminder to get sobered up about this.

When you have something important to tell your son, do not do it in the heat of anger or dissent. Get him when he is ready to listen. Plan ahead. If you interrupt an activity, he is more likely to out argue you, or not listen at all. He is a young man now, and above all, you do want him to fulfill his obligations, and to honor other people’s time, as well as to learn how to plan his time well.

It is also important to examine yourself. Children are not good at doing what we tell them to do, but they are excellent at copying us. Work on yourself also, as you train your young men.