Mothering and Communication

It is always awesome for me to watch the birth of a baby.

It is such a beautiful and amazing thing. It’s also always mind boggling to me how often nothing goes wrong. For such a complex process, how is it that things do not go wrong more often? From two cells, billions of cells are formed in a precisely organized fashion, happening pretty much identically each time. Every single time, I am awed by this process in nature. Everywhere I turn, I see scientists trying to tell me that this is all due to random selection and millions of years of a process that has been perfected over time.

My brain rejects this. There has to be a better explanation than random selection. 

Someone designed this. And the design is amazing. I believe God, the Lord of the universe did it. This is my worldview.

I know, I know…..many of you will think it is such a crazy idea, but, hear me out. It is very important to have a worldview and to impart this to your children. You do not have to have MY worldview, although I highly recommend it. But, it is important to figure this out, to figure out what is important to transmit to your children. If you do not, they will acquire a worldview from someone else who cares enough to impart it to them. Too often, this will be peers who have very mixed up and immature thoughts about the world and how things work, and how they should work to make this world a better place for everyone.

 It is therefore very important to work on understanding your child. This is part of mothering. Learn your child. Figure out what she likes, figure out what challenges he faces. What makes him tick?

By the teen years, you should have a general idea of where your child is likely to thrive as an adult. This is not the same as telling them what you expect them to do. Too many parents alienate their children by pushing them in a direction that is not compatible with their personality, talents, and gifts.

When I ask parents to name 5, 3, or 2 things that are amazing about their child, sadly, some parents come up empty. Okay, so this is often in the setting of coming to see me because of a behavior problem. The mother or father can name multiple terrible things about the child. Among other things that need to happen, it is very important that parents can come up with 3, 5, 10 things that are amazing about their child. It is a must. Constant negativity in a child’s life is terribly harmful.

Communicate with your child.

Listen to them. When your 3-year-old comes to you with a toy, a book, or a story she needs to tell you. It is one thing to tell the child that you will be with them shortly because you are completing some writing you need to finish, cooking, doing some laundry, or some other chore that needs to get done. This is important work, and children need to know that the world does not revolve around them.

But they need to know that they are important. If you are always putting a child off at this age, you will reap the calamity of this when they are a teenager. When you really WANT to talk to them, or for them to talk to you. They will have lost interest. The tragedy is when children are put off because the mom is on social media for hours, or the dad is gaming. Children can tell very quickly where they stand in a parent’s priorities.

Stop right now. Improve your mothering. Chances are you are reading this because you are having a lot of behavior problems from your child or children. Their hearts are deep waters, and you have not made the necessary effort to draw them out.

Right now. Write down 5 things that are amazing about your child. Make a list for each child. If this is like trying to pull teeth, you have the beginnings of your answer right there. You have time. Sleep on it, discuss this with your husband, or grandparent, or whoever spends a lot of time with your child. You may even have to ask the teacher. This is a little embarrassing, but nothing is more important. Swallow your pride.

Next. Write down 5 negative behaviors that YOU have been modeling in front of or around your child. You thought I was going to say 5 negative behaviors that your child is exhibiting? That would be too easy and would not be helping you because the behaviors your child is exhibiting are just that, behavior. Your aim is not primarily to fix the behavior, but the root cause of it. Your child has a range of behaviors at their disposal that are often a reaction to just a handful of circumstances or irritations. This is typically in developing children. For children with impaired development for whatever reason, a different set of issues are likely to be involved.

Quite often, when parents do these two lists (some with way more than 5 in each list), the answers become evident. Children are very good at imitating us. Imitation is one of the primary ways that children learn. That is why the worst parts of us tend to continue on in our children, often much to our horror. 

Back to your worldview, you want to have something to teach. You want to recognize the amazing person you are raising, and most of all, you want to model behavior that you would like to see in your child. It is pointless to tell your child to stop lying when they see you lie to others. Pointless to tell your child to treat others with respect when you are rude to the grocery store check-out person, or the teacher.

Be intentional in this work. It is too important not to be.