Mothering as children get older

At some point during the mothering process, it is time to step back and allow your children to start making decisions. 

This will no longer be the decisions about the choice between 2 outfits, or two different pairs of shoes. 

It becomes time to allow them to make important decisions that have consequences if the wrong one is chosen. When this happens varies from one child to another. Some children with advanced executive functions begin a lot earlier than those with slower social adaptive development. In order for your child to function in the adult world, this transition must happen.

When children are younger, it is not uncommon for parents to go from one parenting crisis to another, leaving little time to be proactive about parenting. And yet, this is so important. It is very important to take the time to sit back and think of where you would like to see your child end up. 

What kind of teenager would you like them to be? What kind of adult? Where do you envision them being when you have done your part? 

Like in all other aspects of life, it is very important to dream. We dream about where we want to be financially, then we get the education, and bring our dreams to fruition. Many parents do not do this with their parenting skills. Money experts tell us that the definition of insanity is to do the same thing with your money, and expect different results. 

What about with mothering? Is your style of parenting causing you to go from the “terrible twos” into the “formidable fours” and then on into the “horrible teens”? It is important to interrupt the process. Your parenting style is a mismatch for the child. More importantly, the child may be developmentally or emotionally unable to successfully navigate their environment due to an undiagnosed disability, or a known condition that has not been appropriately treated.

Instilling wisdom, showing kindness, teaching commandments that will guide future behavior, modeling how to deal with frustration; these are all things that do not just happen. 

Despite our weaknesses and stress, it is important to think of these things. Think of how we are going to pass them on to our children.

Does this story sound familiar? 
Luke was in a foul mood yet again. This time, all his electronics had been taken away because he had come home 30 minutes later than his curfew. The night before, he had spent 4 hours gaming on the computer, when he had been told only 1 hour since it was a school night. He had been warned and now the axe had fallen. He could not wait until he turned 18 so he could “get the hell out of there”.

If your 16 or 17-year-old is in this holding pattern, it is critical at this point to stop and do something different. In 1-2 years, the law says they are adults whether they are ready or not. 

It is time to stop this top-down parenting, and create an environment that allows your young person to want to do better, not just because you said so. Professional help may be needed, but quite often, a shift in parenting style is the change that is needed most. It is never too late. 

James Baldwin, an American Novelist, once said: “Not everything that is faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed if it is not faced.”