Adolescent Anger

Whoever goes about slandering reveals secrets; therefore do not associate with a simple babbler. (Proverbs 20:19 ESV)

Liam’s Story

Liam was angry and distressed. He slammed in to the house, threw his backpack on the floor and stomped to his room. He did not notice his mother, Pam, who was sitting in the room.

If she noticed his arrival, she didn’t acknowledge him. As usual, she was on social media. Earlier, she had plans to cook a good supper, but the time had run away from her. Now, she had settled for some fast food to be ordered shortly. Again. This had become a pattern, but she was busy. She worked until 3 pm every day. She used to enjoy cooking. Lately, she found she did not “have the time”.

Liam lay in his room, looking at the ceiling, tears forming in his eyes. He was sad. He needed to talk but was at a loss as to whom he could talk to. He did not have many friends. 

His dad would not be home until later. Whenever dad got home, the arguments would start. He was having a lot of fights with his dad. It never got physical, but it was bad. His dad just did not “get” him. 

As for mom, he had overheard her talking to one of her friends about him, again. How badly Liam treated her, how he yells at her all the time, how she no longer knew what to do and had tried everything. He hated it. Yes, the last few times his mom had ventured into his room to talk, he had screamed at her. And then later, when dad got home, there had been more words when dad had been told what happened.

This scenario, or some version of it, plays out in a lot of homes.

Based on the many times I encounter this in my office and how often I see moms commenting on parenting websites, it’s safe to say A LOT of parents are STRUGGLING with their teenagers.

Adolescence is a time of physical changes and cognitive maturation from concrete to abstract thinking. They are transitioning from total dependence on their parents to eventual independence. They begin to identify more with their peer group. This means their friends become important, and they are now reasoning and analyzing their parents’ behavior. It’s time to do some self-evaluation if the relationship with your adolescent is on the rocks. 

Start with these 5 steps:

1. List 5 things that are amazing and good about your teenager.

This might be hard for you to do because of the amount of discord between you. Once you start, write down more if you can.

2. List 5 ways in which you have modeled behavior that you would HATE to see in your child.

This might also be hard to do. You need to take a long look in the mirror and do some self evaluation.

3. Answer this question: “Do I keep my child’s secrets?”

Are your child’s thoughts safe with you? Or are you a blabber? 

If you are not sure, list the names of the people who have heard about your child’s concerns from you. If it’s not a counselor or Pediatrician, why are you blabbing what your child has told you in confidence? If your child has actually NOT told you anything in a while but they used to, it is very likely that you fall into this category.

4. Pray.

This step is optional if it’s not part of your life, but I highly recommend it. I have noticed many who never pray, do so when they are in a crisis.

This IS a crisis. It is the battle for the heart of your child. There is something about this step that is beyond definition in written or spoken language. Do it. You are likely to have tried everything else anyway. 

The proverb at the top of this post comes from the Bible. Proverbs are very full of wisdom for everyday life. I recommend you read them. You will garner some wisdom.

5. Armed with this information…..and the confidence that this is one of the fights of your life…..start talking to your child.

Stop being preoccupied  with unimportant stuff. Of course if there has been dysfunctional communication, your adolescent will scream, yell, fight, and test your resolve.

Too often, parents try once and then give up because it’s too hard. I have talked to enough teens who tell me that their parent is not interested in them. And not listening. That their parent tells “the whole town” about their issues. That their parent does not care. 

A visit to your child’s pediatrician is helpful. It’s important to check that there is nothing physical, medical, or psychological that is going on. Also, this is a trusted third party who can help re-establish communication.

Why is it important to do all this?

Adolescents thrive when they have a champion. They are establishing their individuality, and forming their own unique identity. They have talents and individual giftedness and are developing plans for their future. Learn from your adolescent.

Keep your child’s confidences. If you do not like a behavior they are exhibiting, discuss it with them. When you do, have an attitude of trying to understand instead of condemnation. Most of all, you must do this because you are heartbroken about how it has all turned out and want a relationship with the adult they will become. 

For those who have preteens and younger children…..take note NOW. Involve yourself in the workings of your child’s mind and keep in touch with their hearts. Nothing is more important.